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miscell8.txt
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1997-04-16
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1. The Data Entry "Test" - Years ago I had a temporary assignment
at a financial management firm that had an ongoing "help wanted" ad
in the local paper. Each night seven or eight applicants showed up
to take a "test" consisting of c. two hours of entering data into
computers. You guessed it - these "tests" were how almost all of
the company's data input was done!
2. The Eternal "Evaluation" - A friend of mine worked at a low
budget film company that seemed to have a new photocopier almost
every month. Actually, they did. The owner would apparently
contact a supplier, say he was interested in buying or leasing
a copier, but wanted a free evaluation period first. Apparently
Los Angeles had enough willing vendors to sustain a perpetual
evaluation if you are willing to change copiers every month or so.
( Supposedly, a large, Silicon Valley software company once used a
variation of this technique to originally get almost all of their
PC equipment gratis. Don't know if it included any saxophones....)
----------------------------------------------------
A man owned a museum, and he lived up above it. The museum was full of all the
priceless what-not you expect to find in a museum. Well, one day, a would-be
burglar hid in a suit of armor until late at night when everyone was gone and
the owner went to bed. As the crook made his way to the jewels, the clanking
and jingling of the armor he was still wearing woke the owner up. When Mr.
Owner clicked the light on, the crook, decided to play ghost, and raised his
arms and screamed "yaaaaaaaah!" The owner wasn't exactly fooled. I think he
pushed the crook over on his back, where he lay like a june bug until the
cops showed.
----------------------------------------------------
A man was on trial for the robbery of another man's house. The defendant had
decided to defend himself without the help of an attourney. He had the man
whose house and been robbed on the stand, and was grilling him. The defendant
asked something like "And just what were you doing the night of the 17th when I
was robbing your house?" I think the judge threw the case out when he stopped
laughing.
----------------------------------------------------
John Smith was locking up his martial arts academy, still in his robe
and black belt. A mugger approached him from behind, pulled a knife and
demanded money. The mugger is reported in serious, but improving
condition in the local hospital.
----------------------------------------------------
This reminds me of a story I heard on KPWR in Los Angeles.
It seems this guy was trying to rob a Ready Teller cash machine at a bank.
He couldn't figure out how to get to the money, so he decided to tear off
the front of the machine by tying a rope to it and attaching the other end
to his car. He hit the gas, the Ready Teller machine didn't give, and the
guy's rear bumper ripped clean off. He got scared because of the commotion
he had caused and drove off.....leaving his bumber, with license plate
attached, behind. The plate was promptly traced and he was apprehended
shortly thereafter.
----------------------------------------------------
Heard about a guy who wanted to rob an automatic teller machine. Only
thing was this guy didn't believe that they were really machines. He truly
believed that there was a *little person* in the *big box*! Instead of using
his card, he put a 'Give me all your money, or I will shoot you' type note in
the ATM. When he didn't get any money, he shot it.
----------------------------------------------------
We had a case in Stockholm where a pub was broken into and several bottles of
spirits removed allong with all the chips from the roulette table.
The thieves were caught the next day when they came back and tried to cash the
chips in. ( The policeman handling the arrest said that this was pretty common
in Stockholm).
=========================================================================
Sender: PHYDESBONNET@IE.UCG.VAX1
From:
"Thomas R. James, GE Aerospace/GESD, Moorestown,
NJ USA"
<JAMES@COM.GE.DNET.MUPPET>
Subject: Easter Tales (or is it Tails?)
With the US being in its current health craze, I'm always expecting to
hear this news flash somewhere:
* NEWS FLASH *
TWENTY-ACRE WOOD - Peter Cottontail was discovered unconscious in
his burrow-like home last night and rushed to an area hospital where
he is listed in critical condition. Doctors believe that Mr. Cottontail
suffered a heart attack. Cottontail was under a doctors care for
high-blood pressure brought on by the indiscriminate consumption of
Easter eggs. Doctors caution all people participating in Easter
festivities to be careful of the inherent health risks. "Mr. Cottontail
is a prime lesson to everyone about a proper diet," commented his
attending physician. "Instead of Easter eggs, maybe people should eat
Easter bran flakes." Cottontail's duties this Easter will be performed
by an associate, Ralph Brillobottom.
---
Thomas R. James, GE Aerospace/GESD, Moorestown, NJ 609/722-6673
INTERnet: JAMES@MUPPET.DNET.GE.COM UUCP: mcnc!muppet.dnet.ge.com!james
=========================================================================
From:
"Thomas R. James, GE Aerospace/GESD, Moorestown,
NJ USA"
<JAMES@COM.GE.DNET.MUPPET>
Subject: Birthday #Flashes#
With the troop welcomings going on, Tony Orlando has enjoyed a career
upswing lately because of his "Yellow Ribbon" song. Here is a news
report that would be rather refreshing to see:
TROOPS JUST SAY "NO" TO ORLANDO AT CONCERT
Fayetteville, NC - Violence erupted at a troop welcoming ceremony at Ft.
Bragg last night during a singing set by vocalist Tony Orlando. Tony
Orlando was the lead singer of the 70's group "Tony Orlando & Dawn", all
of whose members have faded into obscurity. While singing "Tie a Yellow
Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree", Mr. Orlando was overwhelmed by groups of
soldiers shouting "We came home for this?" and forcibly removed from
the auditorium. No soldiers were positively identified in the melee but
Orlando was later found bound and gagged with yellow ribbons lying atop
a box of live mortar rounds. Commented Orlando about the incident "Gee,
obscurity is a heck of a lot safer than here in the US!"
FYI: April 9th is Tony Orlando's birthday.
Subject: Real life humor...
Comments: To: nuts%finhutc.BITNET@bingvmc.cc.binghamton.edu
Truth is stranger than fiction, Volume I
----------------------------------------
"Let me say, although I disagree with some of the statements that
you make...I have been a fan of your music, believe it or not,
and I respect you as a true original and tremendously talented
musician."
-Sen. Albert Gore, Jr. (D-Tenn) to Frank Zappa at the
1985 Senate Commerce Committee's hearings on rock
lyrics
"It's an honor to be able to ask [you] questions. I've been a
fan for a long time, Mr. Denver
-Sen. Albert Gore, Jr. (D-Tenn) to John Denver at the
1985 Senate Commerce Committee's hearings on rock
lyrics
"Excuse me, are you gonna tell me you're a big fan of my music as
well?"
-Dee Snider, of Twisted Sister, to Senator Gore at the
aforementioned hearings
----------------------------------------------------------------
from a magazine ad: "Own a piece of History -- Authentic Museum
Replicas" [just what *is* an "Authentic Replica"?!?]
----------------------------------------------------------------
from a UPI article: "NEW DELHI, India -- Police arrested 20
garbagemen Wednesday as 1,200 of their colleagues continued a
five-day strike to protest the end of a popular television
series, a news agency reported."
----------------------------------------------------------------
and for the ultimate in irony:
from an AP article: "VIENNA, Austria -- Ana Aslan, the Romanian
scientist who developed a treatment that held out the vision of
restored youth, has died, Romania's official Agerpres news agency
reported yesterday."
-----------------------------------------------
There is a sign outside a restaurant that I pass frequently that
says " Now Serving Food " . It makes me wonder what they used to serve.
----------------------------------------------------
You know you're old when... you go to the Wherehouse,
and all of your favorite groups have "The Best Of..." CD's.
----------------------------------------------------
My brother is a Nuclear Engineer that graduated from A&M in 1985 and now
works for Brown's Ferry Nuclear Plant in Alabama.
My dad was discussing with a coworker (I actually think it was his boss) the
fact that my brother and his wife were going to be visiting over the Memorial
Day weekend.
His coworker said, "I don't really understand why we need nuclear power. We've
got electricity."
----------------------------------------------------
In response to hating:
STATE POLICE CLOCK SPEED BY AIRCRAFT
Perhaps more alarming are the signs posted along the PA Turnpike
and elsewhere in Pennsylvania: SPEED LIMIT ENFORCED FROM AIRCRAFT.
Of course, most savvy PA motorists equip their cars with ECM and
flare ejection systems to confuse the radar and heat seeking
missiles so it's really pretty much of a standoff...
----------------------------------------------------
The fellow in the office next to mine recently acquired an office accessory
(a rather large letter holder) which came in a cardboard box on which was
printed, in inch-high capital letters,
"THANKS FOR BUYING AN AMERICAN-MADE PRODUCT."
To underscore the point, the unmistakable silhouette of the Statue of Liberty
was printed just to the left of the slogan.
Do you think the folks who chose the Statue of Liberty for this appeal to
patriotism remembered where the Statue of Liberty itself was made?
----------------------------------------------------
A relative claims to have seen this one: After driving a few
hundred miles of desert, with nothing much to break the
horizon, a sign began to loom ahead. It read:
MONOTONOUS, ISN'T IT?
She says that it took another hundred miles to wipe the
grin off her face. Has anyone seen this? (It was a US
desert, presumably in the CA/UT/NEV area, eh?).
----------------------------------------------------
While driving across the salt flats in Utah a few years back
(pretty dull scenery after a while), I noticed that someone
had stuck a little handmade sign into the white-topped ground
next to the highway, declaring "SALT."
That's nice, I think, and continue for another couple of miles,
where I see a little (say 10' x 10') area that somebody has
hoed, so that the white-top is mixed in with the dirt below.
In the middle of this patch is another sign: "PEPPER"
I laughed all the way to Nevada!
----------------------------------------------------
On the island of Maui, Hawaii, if you follow (I think) Kehei Rd. past
Makena, you start driving over an old lava flow. On the side of the
road, in front of someone's house, there is a sign which reads:
CAUTION:
LUNAR SURFACE
AHEAD
----------------------------------------------------
Heard in an East German department store:
Customer: Don't you have any shoes here?
Salesman: No, we don't have any furniture, here.
No shoes is one floor down.
----------------------------------------------------
A man goes out one night and drinks bourbon and water. The next day
he has a terrible hangover. The next time he goes out drinking, he
drinks scotch and water. The next day he has a terrible hangover.
The third time he goes out drinking, he drinks vodka and water. The
next day he again has a terrible hangover. He relates his problems
to a statistician who promptly advises him that the cause of his
problems is clear. Stop drinking water!
----------------------------------------------------
One night in late October,
When I was far from sober,
Returning with my load of manly pride,
My feet began to stutter,
So I lay down in the gutter,
And a pig came near and lay down by my side;
A lady passing by was heard to say:
"You can tell a man who boozes,
By the company he chooses,"
And the pig got up and slowly walked away.
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: finals
And it came to pass.
Early in the morning, toward the last day of the semester,
There arose a great multitude, smiting the books and wailing,
And there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth,
For the day of judgement was at hand.
And they were afraid, for they had left undone
Those things which they ought to have done
And there was no help for it.
And there were many abiding in the dorms
Who had kept watch over their books by night,
But it availed them naught.
But there were some who rose peacefully,
For they had prepared themselves the way
And made straight the paths of knowledge.
And these were known
As wise burners of the midnight oil.
And to others, they were known as "curve raisers."
And the multitude arose
And ate a hearty breakfast.
And they came to the appointed place
And their hearts were heavy
And they had come to pass.
But some of them
Repented of their riotous living and bemoaned their fate,
But they had not a prayer.
And at the last hour there came amongst them
One known as the instructor, and they feared him.
He was of diabolical smile,
And he passed papers among them and went his way.
And may and varied
Were the answers given,
For some of his teachings had fallen among fertile minds.
Others had fallen among the fallows.
While others had fallen flat.
And some there were who wrote for one hour,
Others for two,
But some turned away sorrowful, and many of these
Offered a little bull in hopes of pacifying the instructor.
And these were the ones who had not a prayer.
And when they were finished,
They gathered up their belongings
And they went their way quietly, each in his own direction,
And each vowing unto himself in this manner:
"I shall not pass this way again."
Charles Curran, Hans Kung, and Cardinal Ratzinger all died at the same time
and ended up at the pearly gates together, where they were met by St. Peter.
"You guys are too smart for me," said St. Peter, "You will have personal
interviews with Our Lord Himself. Each one of you in turn must go into
that cabin to be examined by Jesus."
Charles Curran goes in first. After a quarter of an hour he comes out,
looking a little shaken. "What happened?" ask the others. "He told me I
have to spend a hundred years in Purgatory," answers Curran and away he goes.
Hans Kung goes in next. After half an hour he comes out, very upset. "What
happened?" "He told me I have to spend five hundred years in Purgatory."
Finally Cardinal Ratzinger goes in. Hours pass, and St Peter is beginning to
get curious. At last the cabin door opens, and Jesus comes out. "Lord,
what happened?" asks St Peter. "He told me I have to spend a thousand years in
Purgatory."
---------------
All three men are theologians. Curran came under fire recently for denying
Church teachings while he was a professor at an official faculty of theology.
Kung has advanced some pretty serious semi(?)-heresies. Ratzinger is the
person in charge of purity of doctrine in the Church, "the watchdog on
orthodoxy" to use newspaper terms, and hence the person who takes errant
theologians to task.
----------------------------------------------------